![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jungwheeinTitle: Paint My Sun Black (with your fingers)
Pairing: Wheein/Hwasa, onesided!Moonbyul/Hwasa
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Slice of Life, Drama
Warnings: swearing, mentions of sexual activity (not explicit), alcohol, drugs, mentions of + dealing with mental illness
A/N:This fic was a healing/confession for me. The title is sort of(?) taken from the song Guilty by Stellar (support them!) excuse grammar/spelling pls pls
Disclaimer: I don't own Mamamoo. rip me. Neither do I own David lynch, not that I'd want to, the man's had four wives :x
Summary: Hwasa is an actress dealing with the people around her constantly using and leaving her. She knows no one and nothing, but maybe a puppy bitch will step into her life and maybe she'll be okay... someday.
Pairing: Wheein/Hwasa, onesided!Moonbyul/Hwasa
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Slice of Life, Drama
Warnings: swearing, mentions of sexual activity (not explicit), alcohol, drugs, mentions of + dealing with mental illness
A/N:This fic was a healing/confession for me. The title is sort of(?) taken from the song Guilty by Stellar (support them!) excuse grammar/spelling pls pls
Disclaimer: I don't own Mamamoo. rip me. Neither do I own David lynch, not that I'd want to, the man's had four wives :x
Summary: Hwasa is an actress dealing with the people around her constantly using and leaving her. She knows no one and nothing, but maybe a puppy bitch will step into her life and maybe she'll be okay... someday.
Paint My Sun Black (with your fingers);
Ahn Hyejin was lost. Being in the acting scene since young, she never knew what the life of a mere mortal felt like. Signed onto big movies due to her cute looks and prodigal talent for her young age, it was natural that the woman was a little screwy in the head; floating from place to place, from man to woman, from role to role, Ahn Hyejin, now called Hwasa, or Brightness, eventually lost herself. But if you asked her, losing herself was probably the best thing that had happened in her short and fucked up life. Hwasa rode interstates till three in the morning with her latest partner and dumped them in the middle of nowhere when she felt done with them-- if they were annoying, she didn’t need to deal with them. She lived from motel to motel, never really in her right mind. With men and women flowing in and out of her life, no doubt drugs and alcohol were involved in more than half of her escapades. Hwasa was always into big money, so getting the substance was never a problem. Living in ecstasy every night, whether it was from the snowy white happy pills, or from fucking another unknown face trying to get up in the Hollywood world, Hwasa lost herself.
Hwasa didn’t have anyone. If she did have her mother, she didn’t remember anymore, for she was probably lost drowning in all of her daughter’s money. Did she even have a father? She couldn’t recall. A sibling? She surely would have remembered a sibling, she thought fleetingly. A lover? Too many to count. She threw away her phone long ago, people only managing to contact the flighty woman by personally seeking her out. Even if someone of significance called her to tell her that they cared, she wouldn’t know. She didn’t want to know.
Hwasa cracked one eye open to see a gray ceiling. She couldn’t recall what had happened the night before, or whom she was with. Finally looking around, though, she found that she was in a jail cell. With a pounding in her head, she walked towards the bars and looked out to make out where the hell she was. California? Texas? Arizona maybe…
She looked bleary eyed towards the counter where a policeman was looking through some files.
“Hey, uh, where is this?” She asked in a scratchy voice.
“Jail.” The officer offered, curtly.
“You know that’s not what I meant you litt-“ she was cut off when the door to another room opened and two figures came in. There was a tall man in police gear, with a much smaller, black-haired girl in a suit trailing behind him.
“This one’s posted bail. Your manager has come to pick you up.” The tall policeman said as he offhandedly pointed in Hwasa’s direction. Manager? This isn’t my manager? Is Byulyi outside? Hwasa thought as the shorter policeman unlocked the jail cell to let the actress out.
“Um, thanks.” Hwasa said and walked out of the police station, looking for signs of her pink convertible or her manager’s Impala. She didn’t realize the small girl was still trailing behind her, waiting for some sort of acknowledgment. Seeing that the girl would not stop trailing and calling out her name, the actress stopped and turned. “Thank you for bailing me out. Are you a fan? Do you want my signature or something?” she asked in an annoyed tone.
“Finally! Nice to meet you! To answer your question, yes, I am a fan, but I’m also a director,” the small woman said confidently, pulling out a business card. “and I want you for my movie, Hwasa.” She smiled a dimpled smile at the taller girl and urged her to take the card. Hwasa took the card suspiciously.
After looking at the card, she looked back at the small woman. “Wheein… Jung? Look, I’m not interested in doing any movies right now.” The actress said stepping back a little.
“When will you be interested, then? Hwasa, I know you haven’t done a movie in almost two years now! You are perfect for this role. Please.” The smaller woman almost begged, holding on to Hwasa’s hand.
“L-let Go! I’m not doing a movie!” the actress growled as she tried to pull away from the other woman.
“Just read the script. Please!” the other girl continued to grip the actresses’ hand.
Hwasa was done. Tired. She had just spent a night locked up, completely passed out in jail, and hadn’t had food for what seemed like forever. Her throat was parched, and she was covered in alcohol and what looked like cum stains. She scowled at the persistent woman.
“Okay! Just give me the damn script!” Hwasa wailed in an annoyed tone. Victoriously, Wheein reached into her satchel and handed a thick wad of paper to the girl.
“I look forward to working with you, Hwasa!” The girl smiled and practically skipped away—leaving a disgusted Hwasa in her wake.
Hwasa simply shook her head and started towards the other side of the street in her six-inch Jimmy Choo’s and her thigh-length Vera Wang miniskirt. At the end of the grungy street, she saw a trash can, and abruptly threw the wad of paper away without a second thought.
//
“Where the fuck were you?” Byulyi accused as she closed in on an unsuspecting Hwasa in a burger joint. “I had to fucking track your debit card to find you! Again! Just get a damn phone!” The uptight manager plopped herself opposite Hwasa in the booth she was sitting at in a random 5 Guys*. It turns out Hwasa was indeed in California, somewhere north of Los Angeles, but short of Bakersfield. Hwasa looked at her Manager with a bored expression and continued to take a bite out of her burger. Byulyi pulled a disgusted face and snatched the burger away from the actress. “Watch your damn figure you damn whore.” Byulyi swore again, taking a bite of the juicy burger.
“What the fuck! Give it back you damn bitch! I paid for that!” Hwasa tried to reach over the table, but Byulyi pushed her back down.
“You didn’t answer my question.” Byulyi shot back.
“I was in jail.” Hwasa scowled, but answered back curtly, settling back into her seat.
“Fucking Hell.” Byulyi brought one greasy hand to her forehead. “What did you do this time? How did you get out?” She looked up wearily.
“I don’t know. Maybe they mistook me for a prostitute or something. Goddamn pigs. Didn’t they know who I was? Some puppy bitch bailed me out. Saying she wanted me on her movie, or some bullshit. But I got my out, that’s all that matters.” She crossed her arms in front of her in a defensive position. “Do you have any other dumb questions?”
“That’s precisely it, Hwasa. They didn’t know who you are. Maybe they knew who you were, but you aren’t the charismatic whore you were back then. You are,” Byulyi pauses, looking at Hwasa’s stained Daddy’s Little Monster crop top. “Whatever this is you’ve turned into. Maybe you should take that role, you’ve refused every single one I’ve given you, anyways. Get back on your feet or something.” She finished, taking a bite into the burger again. Byulyi wasn't wrong... But Hwasa was tired and annoyed, so she shot back aggressively.
“What do you mean was?” Hwasa disregarded her manager’s sentiment about the movie. “My last movie was two years ago; It wasn’t that long ago. It was a blockbuster, too.”
“Yeah, but two years is like, an infinity in the public’s eyes. Just watch, when this jail scandal comes in the papers—again—it’s not going to be pretty, and you will fall more out of the limelight than you already have.” Byulyi finally looked at the bronze actress seriously, and said actress was fuming.
“Then do your damn job and keep it out of the papers! How should I care! I’m living my life, Byul! The only one affected by this is you, in the end. You don’t get your pay when I’m not acting.” Hwasa smirked.
“That may be true, but what are you going to do when your money runs out? It will, whether it be by you spending it, your AWOL mother spending it, or someone stealing it from you when you’re fucking high.” The manager said bitterly. “You don’t even have any friends! All your actress friends—they won’t be there when you are a dead beat on the side of a road, Hwasa. Stop pushing me away!” The taller girl suddenly growled angrily, growing more and more frustrated at the red head.
“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want you fucking mole rat!” Slap. Hwasa pulled a shaky hand to her now bruised cheek. “What the fuck!”
“You deserved that, and more. You are contacting that puppy bitch and being in her movie, and that’s final.” Byulyi pulled the younger woman out of the dreary burger joint and into her Impala.
“What about my car!” Hwasa bit out, referring to her convertible still parked in the parking lot.
“Your car be damned! Just buy another one you fucking brat!” Byulyi shouted as she reversed from the parking lot.
“I should fire you for speaking to me like that.” the actress retorted.
“I should have left you in jail, so shut the fuck up.” Byulyi drove off in silence, with the fuming red head in her passenger seat.
//
Later at night in a Hyatt, Hwasa wore a silk bathrobe and looked towards Byulyi, standing out on the porch of the hotel room, still wearing a suit at twelve at night. Byulyi was nursing a beer and looking out towards the city of Los Angeles, which was still bustling at this time of night. The lights gave off a certain aura, one that motivated you to move with the pace of the city and reach your dreams. But the conniving city never really guaranteed where following those dreams would take you. Hwasa, holding a glass of Jack-Daniel’s, approached the figure sitting out on the porch.
“What are you thinking about, Byul?” The red head said off-handedly as she draped her hands over the railing next to the honey-blonde.
“You, mostly…” the suited woman looked out into the night. “What are you doing, Hwasa? I can’t figure you out. You are so beautiful, so charismatic. You leave dead bodies in your wake by just walking down the street.” The manager chuckled drunkenly. “When I saw your first movie, I knew it. I knew that I had to be your manager. Your every expression, every flick of the hand carries more grace and emotions than I have in my entire body! But, you just, throw it away. Spend it on drugs and seducing men.” Byulyi said bitterly.
At this, Hwasa looked out towards the unforgiving city.
“What’s the point of all this, Byulyi? I act, get money, and do what with it? I just laze around, suck a dick, and drink till I knock myself out. It’s an endless loop; I don’t see a way out, I never have. That’s why, I think, I’ve just let it all go. I don’t see a point to it anymore.” She whispered, and took a sip out of her crystalline glass.
“You bring this art into the world and don’t see its potential or its affects, that’s what is wrong, Hwasa. That’s the point of all this: you, leaving your mark on the world before you die. I want to help you leave that mark. You are a firestorm, shining brightly, like your name. You need to see that, though, in order for me to help you.” Byulyi said earnestly into the night.
“But what if… I don’t want to be helped? What if I want to let it all go?” Hwasa looked for an honest answer from the woman beside her, and Byulyi looked at her tiredly.
“Then you’re a waste, Hwasa. You’re a wasted talent. A sad, black hole of what if’s.” the blonde replied. Hwasa nodded slowly-- that wasn't what she wanted to hear. She stepped back into the room, dumping the remains of her drink into the sink. She then lowered herself into the king-sized bed, mind completely blank.
//
The next morning, Hwasa woke up and looked to her side, seeing a sleepy Byulyi looking down at her affectionately. Hwasa smiled lightly and got up, her robe sliding off the side of her shoulder. Byulyi eyed the actress's bare shoulder cautiously, lustily, but made no move to continue. Byulyi got out of the bed, and stalked towards the kitchen.
"I made you breakfast. I also went through your purse and found the card belonging to your puppy bitch, and I called her back. She said you had the script, where is it?" She said as she poured coffee into two clay mugs.
"It was in my convertible, which you left, by the way." the red head lied to rile the older woman up.
Byulyi just chuckled and continued. "You threw it away, didn't you? Whatever, I had her email it over to me anyways. I've got to hand it to them though, for such a low budget film, it has a lot of potential." Byulyi brought the coffee mugs to the sleepy red head. After the younger girl accepted the coffee, Byulyi walked over to the side table and brought her laptop over to Hwasa. "Look through it today, you can mark it up on there since you threw away the only hard copy we have. I will get you a hard copy later when I stop by the office."
Hwasa took the laptop from the blonde and started to read through her lines, all already highlighted for her convenience. The red head looked up at her manager wearily for a moment. She thought the words through her head before she said it, but she could only come to the same conclusion.
"Say, Byul... Do you want to sleep with me?"
It was an understatement to say the older girl was surprised; Byulyi spit out her coffee and started to cough.
"No! What the fuck!" The manager took a minute to recover from the surprise. "I-I... would never take advantage of you like that." She looked down and comprised herself, and her stature softened. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like that over the past few days. Just... I worry about you...” She looked at the red head awkwardly. “You know what-- I'll just-- head out to the office now. Call me if you need anything from the hotel phone." with that, the older girl left the suite filled with awkward tension.
Hwasa slowly turned back to the laptop, and read over her lines. She mouthed them and let them roll around her tongue. It really was beautifully written, she thought. The story was about an actress who was so narcissistic and wrapped in her own world that she became abusive to the people around her. This kind of movie would never make it in the real world. In a few film festivals, maybe, but...
Since she had no way out of doing the film, she continued to mark up the electronic script with how she would deliver her lines.
On the first day of filming, Hwasa and her manager were called to a set on the very edge of LA. When Byulyi went to pick up Hwasa from the hotel, the woman was passed out, pale, and shaking on the bed. There were cocaine lines on the side table of the bed, and Byulyi cursed out loud. She pulled the stoned actress out of bed and dressed her up, and then dragged her to the film set. The set was a grungy apartment, where the trashy actress that Hwasa would play lived. The apartment oddly reflected the actress's current state, the manager thought tiredly.
When they entered the apartment, Wheein greeted them. "Hello! Nice to meet you, Ms. Moon, I'm assuming." She shook the blonde's hand and turned to Hwasa, and took in her appearance slowly. "Nice to see you again, Ms. Hwasa..." she held out her hand for the red head to shake, but the actress ignored it. Byulyi chuckled awkwardly and decided to carry on the conversation on her stoned client's behalf.
"You can just call me Byulyi, so today we are starting with a scene where the character is still normal, am I correct?" She inquired.
"Yes!" Wheein exclaimed happily as she led the two around the set. "The actress is not a new actress, but this would be her first big movie. Her public debut launch, I suppose you could call it. She is full of excitement and hope for the future. I'm sure you read your lines?" Wheein turned toward Hwasa expectantly.
Hwasa mumbled an almost incoherent "sure" and Wheein looked towards Byulyi again, worriedly.
"Why... don't we just get in position... then." The small raven-haired girl said wearily. "We've been ready since morning."
Hwasa nodded and took a moment to glance at the script again. She then was directed where to stand. They then started a practice take, and it was disastrous, to say the least; about half of the words the red head spat out diverged from the script, and the movements were out of coordination and half-par.
"Cut!" another woman that Byulyi and Hwasa had not been acquainted with spoke up. "What the fuck is this, Wheein? This bitch is high as the clouds!" The long haired girl scolded the director angrily.
Hwasa eyed the new lady viciously. "Am not, you prick! You aren't even the director! What gives you the right to cut me off?"
"I'm the screenwriter you skank. This whole production is as much my baby as it is Wheein's, and I am not doing to let some newbie ruin the whole thing for us. You are the main! You should act like it!" The longhaired girl turned to Wheein again. "Where did you pick up this skank? You said you knew someone who was perfect for the job, I trusted you, Wheein."
Wheein's cheeks bloomed red and she bit her lip in obvious embarrassment at Hwasa's appearance. Byulyi scoffed.
"Who are you to call my client a skank? Hwasa is way too good for this movie! She's worked with top notch actors, she doesn't need this!" The manager defended angrily. At the mention of the name Hwasa, the screenwriter's eyes seemed to light up with recognition.
"You... are The Hwasa? I've seen your stuff, and it's great and all, but looking down on our movie and coming here to fuck it up would piss anyone off." The screenwriter turned to Byulyi. "You are way out of line here, you guys are the ones who showed up high off the railing to a shoot." She said, gripping her screenplay to her chest. "Get out. Both of you."
Byulyi stormed towards her client and dragged her high-ass out of the grungy apartment. When they reached the Impala, Byulyi shoved Hwasa into the passenger seat and she sat down angrily in the driver's seat. She lashed out, aggressively pounding on the steering wheel and honking the horn in the desolate parking lot all while screaming Fuck! Fuck Fuck Fuck! over and over again.
Byulyi later pulled up at the Hyatt and dragged Hwasa to her room. She dumped the red head on the bed and went straight to the minibar. She poured herself a shot and took it all down at once, staring straight at the clammy actress still shaking on the bed in drugged ecstasy.
“How could you do this to me! To us! I’m tired of this, Hwasa! I’m so tired!” She screamed at the unresponsive girl. Byulyi had half a mind to take the actress to a hospital, but she didn’t. She didn’t. “All that shit! It’s not going to save you at your lowest! I’m here for you always, why don’t you see that? Ever? You just go around and whore yourself out to men and women on the street, I’m here for you, you damn bitch!” The blonde started to tear up, and she took another shot. “You inconsiderate, fucking, bitch… Why am I not enough?”
After the burning, hard liquor snaked down her throat, she slid down to the floor and sobbed into her knees.
//
When Hwasa woke up, she had no idea what day it was. In fear of disappointment, the actress had snorted some cocaine the day before the shoot, but she didn’t realize how far gone she was. She looked at the hotel phone and saw the date; it was almost two days after the shooting was supposed to take place. Fuck, Byulyi is going to kill me. She got up from the bed with a huge headache, seeing a painkiller and water on the nightstand she thanked the gods and took a pill to lessen her headache. Her manager wasn’t at the kitchenette, but there was coffee brewing so she couldn’t be far.
As she walked towards the piping hot coffee (god knew she needed it) a figure came stumbling out of the bathroom. Hwasa turned to see not her manager, but the puppy bitch standing there, in her hallway, in all her small glory.
“You’re up!” she squealed and ran to the actress, pressing her hand to Hwasa’s forehead. “Fever’s all gone?” She smiled. “Good. I made coffee, you want some?” She started towards the coffee pot.
“Wheein, What are you doing here? How did you get in here? Where is my manager?” Hwasa demanded.
“O-oh, well. Byulyi gave me the keys… I was on my way here when she was leaving, and she told me to take care of you.” What? Byulyi would never… Hwasa stared at her in confusion.
“What do you mean left? Where is she?” Hwasa growled again at the innocent woman.
“I don’t know where she is, Hwasa. She left you a note on the fridge.” Wheein said finally, in a serious tone.
Hwasa grabbed the note off the mini fridge and read it over and over again:
Dearest Hwasa,
I get it now, what you said. You have no desire to neither help yourself nor continue your career as an actress. I suppose I was so caught up in what you once were that I was blind to what you had turned into. I pushed you over the edge, this time, almost killing you in the process. I realize my mistake; my job is done here. Once you have recovered… or died… or whatever comes first… I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me for leaving you. I hope one day you find the purpose to all that you have done.
With utmost love,
Byulyi Moon
As the last constant in Hwasa’s life shattered piece by piece, Wheein placed breakfast on the table.
Hwasa spent her days as she usually did, lazing around and going out at night. She was the life of the party wherever she went; people were mesmerized by every aspect of her charismatic being. The only things that had changed in her daily routine were two things: one was that she had not touched any sort of drug in at least a month since her manager left, and the second was the constant presence of a certain puppy bitch. Wheein Jung now clung onto the actress like Hwasa was another part of the small girl’s being. She moved into Hwasa’s hotel room, despite Hwasa’s many protests. She took care of throwing out every ounce of weed and cocaine stored in the hotel and in the actress’s car, and she even started being her temporary house maid, if you could call it that. Apparently, her reason was: Hwasa, you have nobody. Let me help you. As your fan, let me help you.
Wheein even started attending parties with Hwasa as her plus one, no matter how much Hwasa had protested it, the older girl had been adamant on making sure that the actress wasn’t shooting herself up with horse tranquilizers while she wasn’t present. So in that way, Wheein had slowly wiggled her way into Hwasa’s life. That did not mean that Hwasa was beginning to like the woman though, especially since Wheein had a knack for trying too hard to get into Hwasa’s space and make things difficult for her.
Although Hwasa thought that Wheein was especially nosy… Wheein hadn’t asked once about Hwasa’s drug habits, nor had she asked about Byulyi. She hadn’t pried into the red head’s personal life, always staying at the surface, trying to keep the actress afloat. When Hwasa was half drunk, maybe she thanked god for Wheein’s presence.
One day, as Wheein was working on her laptop on the bed, Hwasa sat down next to her with two glasses in hand in one hand, and her favorite Jack-Daniel’s held close to her chest.
“I’m bored.” Hwasa said as she poured liquor into one of the cups. “Drink with me.”
“Hwasa, that’s going to spill—“
“Don’t worry I’ve done this hundreds of times before.” She said, lifting her head up for a moment, and the liquor spilled all over the bed. “Fuck!” Hwasa climbed out of the bed at lightening speed, and Wheein just started laughing, but as the liquor started to spread, Wheein got off the bed as well with her laptop.
“I told you! I so told yo—“ Wheein started, only to be cut off again by the red head.
“Shut up.” Hwasa said, a slight blush blooming on her cheeks. Wheein smiled at the girl.
“Why don’t we take this to my room then?” Wheein picked up the drinks and padded off to the guest room of the suite, and Hwasa followed suit, still a bit hesitant.
Wheein laid the glasses next to each other on the nightstand and poured for the both of them. She then handed one glass to Hwasa, and they said their cheers. Wheein sat down on the edge of the bed, and Hwasa sat on a single sofa opposite her.
“So? What brought upon this sudden girl’s night in?” Wheein asked teasingly.
“Just bored.” Hwasa replied.
“You’re never bored at eleven pm.” Wheein raised one eyebrow. “No parties tonight?”
“None.” Wheein just hummed in reply and took a sip of the whiskey.
“So, have you been thinking about the movie offer? It’s still there.” Wheein asked, casually eyeing the actress.
“The movie has been put on hold? Still? Why don’t you just find someone else?”
“But when I see that movie happening, I only see you playing it. I can’t film it without anyone else, I told my screenwriter, and after much pleading she gave me the okay to put the project on hold for a while.”
Hwasa stared at the girl wide eyed for a moment. “Why are you so stuck up on me?” she asked.
“A couple of years back, I saw you in the movie Chaconne. Your portrayal of a girl gone mad is pure art. Every movement, every scream, every look, all portrayed true loss and sadness. Not only that, but your descent into madness—oh man. I could see you falling slowly, you didn’t need any dialogue, and it wasn’t even the camera team that made your emotions pour out. It was just you.” Wheein ranted, and the corner of Hwasa’s lips curled up into a small smile.
“By the way… that first day that we met, how did you find me? In the police station?” Hwasa asked, taking another sip of the drink.
“I’ve been trailing you for a while… I guess you don’t really remember, but I was with you that night at the club in Scottsville.” Wheein looked up wearily to see Hwasa’s shocked expression.
“What do you mean you were there?” Hwasa asked with caution.
“That night… you must have been high out of your wits. I saw you at the club in Scottsville, and you were drinking with some men. I did approach you… and we even danced together.” Wheein said sheepishly, and Hwasa looked at Wheein as if she had grown another head.
“Did we sleep together?” Hwasa asked straight up.
“No!” Wheein shouted immediately, coughing on the drink, but Hwasa made no move to comfort the older girl. “W-we didn’t sleep together, I lost you by the end of the night.” Wheein blushed, and Hwasa continued to look at the girl with an air of incredulity. “I looked for you in a few hotels in the morning, and I found out that one of them had a drug bust early in the morning, so I checked at the police station. I saw you and I bailed you out.” Wheein finished.
Hwasa looked down into her lap. “So you’ve really seen me at my lowest, huh?” Hwasa said hesitantly, and Wheein’s demeanor softened.
“That’s okay. What are fans for? Of course to help their idols through whatever hardships they come across.”
“I don’t deserve to be your idol, though. I’ve done nothing good in my life to warrant your kindness.” Hwasa said honestly, looking into Wheein’s eyes. Wheein just smiled back.
“It’s okay.”
That night, they stayed up till four in the morning, talking about anything and everything, and Hwasa thanked god for Wheein’s presence once again.
//
“You threw away the last bottle of my Jack-Daniels? That shit is my life source! You took away my drugs, my freedom, now this! Hwasa screamed, frustrated at Wheein.
“You drink this shit non-stop, give your liver a break.” Wheein said from the bed with no emotion as she continued to type on her laptop.
“No! You! Get out! Hasn’t it been long enough? You’ve been here for two months already! I’ve had enough! You aren’t even paying the bills for this damn hotel room!” Hwasa tried again.
Wheein smirked and finally looked up from her laptop. “No.” she simply said.
“What do you mean no? This is my house! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Hwasa continued to shout, and then Wheein finally looked up at the girl in realization.
“Hwasa, you are going through withdrawals. Come here, let’s calm down.” Wheein put her laptop down and approached Hwasa like the actress was a frightened animal.
“I don’t need to calm down! You need to fuck the hell out of my life! What gives you the right to take away everything that makes me happy? You took Byulyi, my drugs, my home, now my whiskey!” Hwasa’s voice started to become scratchy as hot tears of frustration made their way down her cheeks.
Although Wheein tried not to let Hwasa’s jabs get to her, she couldn’t deny that she felt a pang in her chest, feeling as if maybe she wasn’t doing the right thing if Hwasa was still this upset over Byulyi.
“Hwasa, please, come on, you know I’m trying to help. Dig into your consciousness and think about all the times we had fun at parties, and laughed, without drugs! Without alcohol! Without… Byulyi…” Wheein tried again.
“You are the reason all these bad things are happening to me! Get out of my house! Now!” Hwasa was hysterically bawling and shaking Wheein’s shoulder’s aggressively. Wheein needed to give Hwasa space.
“Okay, okay, I’m going inside now. Just calm down.” Wheein picked her laptop up and started to go into the guest room.
“I don’t need to calm down! You need to get out!” Hwasa screamed again, and Wheein snapped.
“If I hadn’t been here you’d be dead right now without Byulyi!” Wheein screamed at the actress, frustrated as well. “Stop acting like a baby and get yourself together! IT’s been years now Hwasa!” As soon as Wheein was done with her rant, she cupped her hands over her mouth and stared wide-eyed at Hwasa for a moment, inwardly chiding herself from bringing the actress’s weakness up. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to--“
“Fuck off!” Hwasa took a coat from the rack and stormed out of the apartment. Wheein cursed and got out of the bed and slipped into her trainers. She started down the hall to where Hwasa was in the elevator, and she wasn’t able to make it before the doors closed and Hwasa was on her merry way down to the lobby, or any floor, really. She cursed again, and headed for the emergency stairs. She ran down ten flights of stairs, completely confident that she would have lost the girl by the time she got down to the lobby. When she entered the lobby, she asked the receptionist if she had seen a red head girl walk out of the hotel, and as soon as the receptionist nodded, she ran out of the sliding doors.
Wheein shouted Hwasa’s name as she ran down the street looking for the bronze girl, coming up empty at every turn. She started to feel warm tears fall down her cheeks, and she ran her hand through her hair, still panting from running. As she came down another corner, she saw a person shouting. She turned down the alley and saw a car stopped in the middle of the road, and a man kneeling on the floor over a body shouting for someone to help him. Wheein choked up for a moment, and stood there. She couldn’t move, this man was shouting at her to call an ambulance, but she could only stand there, Hwasa. That girl’s Hwasa. Her legs gave up under her and she fell to the ground.
As she sobbed into her knees, someone tapped her on the back, and she turned around, coming face to face with the girl she was looking for. Wheein stared up in shock at the girl. “the… the accident…” she sniffled.
“I don’t know who got hit, but I ran to the payphone to call 911. Why are you crying?” Hwasa asked the girl in confusion. Wheein got up quickly hugged the actress.
“Don’t—don’t do that. Please. You’re having withdrawals and I don’t want... I thought that girl was you! I thought she was you!” Wheein hugged the girl tightly and sobbed into her shirt. Hwasa looked down at the sobbing girl and wondered how they had come this far from the time at the police station. Hwasa knew that what she was having weren’t withdrawals… She didn’t know when exactly it had started but she was attached to this girl. This small puppy bitch had squeezed into Hwasa’s fleeting life.
They were complete opposites, how was it that this small girl had come to care for Hwasa? Was she just in love with the image that the actress had just put on for the public? Hwasa doubted the girl really liked what she was now, and Wheein was probably still chasing the person Hwasa once was. The redhead felt cold flood in her chest thinking that the last person in her life will leave her one day, when she realizes too like Byulyi, that there is no going back to the person she once was.
Hwasa awkwardly patted the older girl’s back, and Wheein finally let go. “Let’s go home.” Hwasa just nodded silently.
//
As Hwasa was getting ready for another party at her actress friend, Hyuna’s, house, Wheein came up behind her wearing a black crop top and black-leather short-shorts, showing off her pale stomach. Hwasa stared a bit before remarking.
“Where are you going in that outfit, little one?” She said in a bored tone as she continued to rim her eyes with eyeliner.
“To your party. Do you really enjoy getting out of the house this much? Don’t you ever want to just… I don’t know… chill out at home?” Wheein asked, staring at herself in the bathroom mirror and adjusted her top.
“No. All I do is chill out at home. I need to get out of the house at sometime, don’t I?” the actress replied.
“Well there are other things to do… we could go for a walk?” Wheein offered innocently, but Hwasa just snorted.
“A walk?”
“Yeah. A walk.” Wheein pouted and looked at the younger girl, who was still chuckling.
“You say the oddest things.” Hwasa commented as she shook her head with a genuine smile.
When they reached the party, Wheein was overwhelmed. There were famous stars everywhere—Wheein had almost forgot that Hwasa was this famous, seeing the girl in her bare element at home. Hwasa was glittering; she was literal brightness as her name suggested. She flitted from man to woman, greeting them with her drink, and Wheein just tagged along behind her like a lost duckling. Finally, after about half an hour of socializing, Hwasa turned to Wheein as she was talking to a tall man.
“Wheein, this is David Lynch, I trust you’ve heard of him?” Wheein looked up at the man for the first time—and holy fuck, it was the famous director.
“H-hello sir. I’m Wheein Jung. An aspiring director.” The man nodded and took interest in the small girl’s chatter about directing. Hwasa left them for the night, but she made sure to keep a close watch on any wondering hands or eyes.
At the end of the night, Wheein was once again pulling a drunk Hwasa back to the hotel. “You liked that old man?” Hwasa hiccupped. “Don’t say I never did anything for you, Wheeinie.” Wheein looked at the younger girl incredulously.
“You do a lot for me Hwasa. Don’t doubt that.” Hwasa just laughed drunkenly in response.
I don’t do anything for you. Why are you still here? What are you looking for, Wheein?
//
“Holy fuck.” Wheein cursed after she put down the phone, and Hwasa looked up at her from where she was eating her third bowl of Lucky Charms*.
“What’s wrong?”
“David Lynch’s secretary just called me. He wants to hire me as an assistant director. He said something about ‘what I said at the party really hitting him’.” Wheein continued to look at her phone with shock, and Hwasa quirked a small smile.
“That’s good isn’t it?”
“Yes!” Wheein looked as if the news had finally hit her and she jumped up and down happily, screeching OMG. OMG. OMG.
Yes, the news was good for Wheein. Wheein started to stay out the whole day, working at different sets and meetings, not coming home till late at night. It was routine for the two to eat meals together and go out together at night, but Wheein always chirped a quick Sorry. Busy tonight. When Hwasa would call the girl to ask if she was coming home. Sometimes days were spent at the office, or Wheein was called for impromptu business trips around the country for shoots. Hwasa knew the drill, for she had done the same many times before, but somehow she felt empty without the other. She used to be fine staying long periods of time without Byulyi, but now she found herself clinging to her Jack-Daniels more at night that she had before. So maybe, it wasn’t such good news for Hwasa.
The television droned on as Hwasa sat on the bed in the main space of the suite. This is actually good, the redhead thought as one character punched another character on the screen. Maybe if she slowly leaves my life, it’ll hurt less when I disappoint her.
Wheein came back at two in the morning one night to a drunk Hwasa.
“Oh, the puppy bitch is finally home!” the drunken girl said swirling a glass whiskey in her hand.
“Puppy Bitch?” Wheein looked at Hwasa incredulously, and Hwasa laughed at her drunkenly.
“You’ve been gone recently.” Hwasa commented casually and Wheein side-eyed her.
“Yeah, it’s been busy.” Wheein said tiredly. Hwasa got up from where she was sitting on the floor against the bed and pushed Wheein against the wall. “What are you—“ Hwasa’s lips aggressively slotting against her own cut off Wheein. Hwasa put her hands on either side of Wheein's head and twisted her head to gain better access of Wheein's lips. Wheein gave in to the touch, and Hwasa pulled the older girl towards the bed.
When Wheein woke up the next morning, she was afraid of what would greet her. She had essentially taken advantage of the younger girl's intoxication and had sex with her. Wheein peeked one eye open to see the redhead sitting up on the bed with her back to the head rest.
"Wheein. I want to do your movie." Hwasa stated plainly, as though she was commenting on the whether.
"M-my movie? The one about the actress? You want to do it? Why so suddenly?" Wheein started to sit up as well slowly. Hwasa just shrugged in response. "A-are we going to talk about last night?"
"What's there to talk about? We slept together. That's it."
"Oh. Okay." Wheein stated awkwardly. "Well, we'll have to wait a few more weeks till this movie ends... then we can get started I suppose." Wheein looked at Hwasa's expression, but saw nothing indicating what the younger girl was feeling.
"That's fine" Hwasa replied and got up, exposing her in all her naked glory.
In the weeks following Wheein and Hwasa's sexual escapade, Hwasa became more distant, Wheein thought. Although they were interacting around the same amount before, there was definitely something off about the way Hwasa was acting around Wheein. The older girl tried to alleviate the awkwardness, but to no avail. She just hoped that by the time the movie filming started they would be on good enough terms to work together.
When Lynch's new movie was released, it was a major success, and Wheein started to gain recogniition amongst indie directors across America. This put even more pressure for her upcoming movie, Paint My Sun Black, to succeed in the box office. On the first day of filming, Wheein and Hwasa carpooled to the set, and when the raven haired girl pulled up at the ratty apartment/set, she looked towards the redhead.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Wheein asked Hwasa wearily. Hwasa just nodded and stepped out of the car. Wheein sighed in response hur got out and led the younger girl to get ready for the parts.
When Wheein exited the small bathroom where Hwasa was getting ready, she weaved through the camera equipment and camera crew to get to her chair.
"So how'd you get her to agree, finally?" A taller girl came and sat next to Wheein. Wheein looked towards the older screenwriter and sighed.
"She just said one day that she'd do it. Even I'm not sure why... I'm worried, Solar." The screenwriter, Solar, looked at the younger girl with pity.
"If it doesn't work out, we find another actress. It may not be as good as if we had Hwasa, but..." She gave Wheein a halfhearted smile. "We'll just have to work with what we can. Yeah? Be optimistic."
"That's rich coming from you." Wheein sniggered, and Solar hit her on the back of the head with her script. At that moment, Hwasa walked out of the bathroom.
"Let's get this disaster started."
//
Hwasa lifted herself from the bed and sat against the headrest. She looked down at her lover, and then turned to the bedside table to take a cigarette from the top drawer. She lit it, and let the smoke disappear in the air as she watched the man breath in and out slowly next to her. Suddenly, the sheets stirred.
“When did you pick up smoking?” the Caucasian man looked over to his girlfriend and then down to the cigarette slipped in between her two fingers.
“Too long ago.” She replied back carelessly.
“I never noticed.” The boyfriend commented sadly, but Hwasa just hummed in reply.
Their relationship had come to a standstill. Between the two of them working, the fights, the crying, and the jealousy, only a scrap was left of their previously flourishing relationship.
“Arthur. I’m sorry that I… I can’t love you the way you need it. I can’t be there the way you are for me. You don’t need me.” The redhead’s eyes clouded up with emotion, and she put out the cigarette. “I’m not good for you.” She said, brokenly, finally turning to her lover. She traced the area on his chest where she had hit him with a wine bottle a night or so ago. It had turned purple and splotchy, and now it was fading out to green. The man hissed at her touch, and the redhead pulled her hand away from the bruise.
Tears started to pour down the actress’s face, and a softer than usual, cut! Was shouted on the set.
“Hwasa, your character is not supposed to cry.” Solar called from her seat next to the director. They were about three weeks into filming Paint My Sun Black, and were about three-fourths done with the raw filming.
Wheein shouted for the crew to take five, and she walked up to the redhead who was still lying on the bed with the remains of her tears streaming down her face.
“What’s wrong?” The black haired girl asked softly. The younger girl finally looked up to the director, her eyes sparkling with tears; looking almost childlike.
“I—I can do this! I can let’s get back—“ the actress started to fidget frantically.
“No, you are crying, what’s wrong?” Wheein took Hwasa’s flailing arms into her palms. “Tell me.”
“I’m not good, Wheein! I’m not good enough for you! For Byulyi! For my mother!” The younger girl started to hyperventilate, and Wheein finally realized that she was having a panic attack.
Wheein hugged Hwasa and screamed for someone to bring the disoriented actress water. Breath, Breath! You’ll be okay!
Later that night, Hwasa stood on the balcony of their room and looked down, her feet lifting off of the ground every so often, and her body almost launching off the railing. Wheein looked at Hwasa out of the corner of her eyes, trying to be as cautious of the girl’s state as possible.
“Has… that ever happened before?” Wheein asked wearily as Hwasa’s feet launched off the ground again. They had been avoiding the topic all day, but Wheein thought it needed to be addressed.
“No.” The younger girl confessed, and Wheein’s brow furrowed. The older girl looked out into the sky rise and asked tentatively.
“What… exactly happened?”
“I just got too invested in my character, I think.” Hwasa commented, again lifting her feet off the ground.
“But… your character… Her remorse didn’t go that deep; not enough to cry, Hwasa.” Wheein finally lifted her hand to keep Hwasa on the ground. When Hwasa’s feet touched the ground, her bottom lip wobbled.
“My whole life, I’ve disappointed everyone. No matter what I do, intentional or not, I always end up seeing that look of mixed disgust and pity. I’ve memorized it; I see it everywhere. I’m a waste, a wasted talent. A sad, black hole of what if’s.” The actress chuckled bitterly. “And the sad part is, I will never be more than that. I just keep letting those around me down. I’m trash… Looking at that girl in your movie… She was a wreck, too. She was so wrapped up in pleasing others she fucked herself up. She was destroyed. Is that what I’ve become? I’m like her, I can’t love the people around me like they deserve! You, Byulyi… No one! I was so far gone Byulyi thought I’d be better off dead, Wheein. She left me to die. My mother abandoned me, too, because I was too burdensome. She makes me send her cash to repent every month. I’m such a bad person that these people think it’s better that they get rid of me. What more is there to say? ” The actress choked on a sob and brought her palm to her mouth, trying to muffle the sounds.
Wheein patted the actress’s back. “That was where Byulyi was at fault… and so was your mother. They had no right to push their expectations of you on to you. They were not good for you, not the other way around. Not only that, but If you were like that girl, you wouldn’t have cried in remorse, Hwasa.” She looked at the younger girl affectionately. “That character… She had no remorse for her actions. She lost herself, and hurt others around her without a care in the world. But you… You have remorse. You have the emotions that she lacks. That makes you better than her. Even if you fucked up your relationship with Byulyi, or even your mother, there is always a way to make it up. Carry on; be a better person… no?” The black haired girl smiled.
“It’s not that easy… I don’t have the courage nor the willpower to change myself; doesn’t that make me even worse than the character I’m playing?”
“No, your character chose not to pick herself up from the ground. You don’t have a choice. Hwasa, I’m no doctor, but I think you are depressed.” Wheein said seriously. “I know I can never fully cure you, but maybe you should consider talking to Byulyi about it. Explain to her what happened… You told me about what had happened, it will be the same. If Byulyi carries even half the affection I have for you—which I promise you she surely does—she will hear you out and you will be able to have some closure, maybe you’ll be little closer to recovering yourself.” Wheein proposed. Hwasa shrugged, and Wheein just stared off into the night next to the girl.
//
When the movie finally debuted, it wasn’t hot, nor did it get a lot of praise from the media. Really the only ones who attended were Hwasa’s following, who were not disappointed; calling it the underdog of the century, and an underappreciated gem. It got praise from Seventeen Magazine for Hwasa’s acting, and maybe David Lynch had posted a picture on Instagram congratulating Wheein on the movie. It may have gotten a small column in The New York Times about Abuse on Men by Women, but even then the title of the movie was printed as “Paint The Sun Black” rather than its originally intended title.
Wheein and Hwasa sat at an outdoor café in Los Angeles, reading this same New York Times paper. Wheein complained about how she had chosen that title specifically and how all New Yorkers were uneducated rats, while Hwasa chuckled in amusement. As Hwasa sipped on her coffee, a figure approached her and tapped her on the back. Hwasa turned, expecting a fan, only to see Byulyi, in all her blonde glory.
“Hey, Hwasa.” Byulyi greeted shyly. Hwasa looked up at the girl in awe, then to Wheein.
“U-um, hi, Byulyi. W-what are you doing here?” Hwasa asked nervously as she fidgeted with the utensils on the table.
“I just saw you… Is this a bad time?” The blonde asked nervously.
“No! No it’s not, please sit down, I’ll just go get something to drink.” Wheein got up and left to give the two some privacy. Byulyi sat awkwardly in the chair across from Hwasa.
“I see you’re alive and well.” Byulyi started. “I saw your movie, it was really beautifully done. An underappreciated gem, I’d say. Maybe even one of your best. Artistically speaking.” Byulyi smiled softly. Hwasa hummed in reply.
“I-I see that you are doing well too. You look good.” Better than when you were working with me. Was on the tip of her tongue.
“Yeah… I have a girlfriend now, she’s sitting over there.” She pointed to a beautiful girl who was reading at another table. “Her name is Irene… I’ve retired for a while. Chilled out.” Byulyi laid back in the chair and put her crossed her arms behind her head.
“Yeah—um—listen, Byulyi. I wanted to… apologize. Finally. For what I did that day. I failed you, miserably. I was just so nervous that I did what I only knew how to do, I escaped using drugs. I’ve realized now, after going to several doctors,” Hwasa chuckled awkwardly, “that I have some level of anxiety that made me do all of this. I hurt you, I hurt everyone around me and I’m so, so sorry. I know mental illness isn’t an excuse for everything, but I’m trying to make it up—I’m really—“ The girl continued to ramble, and Byulyi cleared her throat loudly, causing Hwasa to finally look in the elder girl’s eyes.
“It’s okay, Hwasa. I realize, too, that what I did was so fucking damaging to you. I… told you that you were worthless; I left you to die, all on my selfish accord because I was too blind in my feelings towards you to see what was happening to you. You aren’t broken, and seeing that you have some sort of illness doesn’t come as a surprise to me, I saw all of the signs but refused to believe it. The only person who should be sorry between the two of us is I, for damaging you this much.” Byulyi reached out to take Hwasa’s hands. “I’m sorry.” Tears started to cloud the blonde’s vision, and a few broke loose and rolled down her cheeks.
Hwasa looked at the girl in complete awe, this whole time, she had thought that this was all her fault, and to some degree, she still believed that. But seeing this proof, not just Wheein telling her that she wasn’t at fault, seemed to relieve a burden off of the girl’s shoulders. It felt as if she had been holding her breath for those several months and had just taken a taste of that cool, crisp air for the first time. Hwasa smiled sheepishly at the girl in front of her.
“Thank you. I don’t know… If we could every be friends again… But I love you, Byulyi. You’re all I had, and I will never stop loving you for being there for me.” Hwasa confessed.
“Me too, Hwasa.”
“What did you guys talk about?” Wheein asked curiously as they drove back to the Hyatt. Wheein was quite nervous since Hwasa was making so much progress, if this meeting had happened too soon and the redhead was back at square one, Wheein was seriously going to have a meltdown.
“She apologized to me.” Hwasa said as she looked out the window of the passenger seat. “She said she was sorry that she left me to die and that this was all her fault. She was toxic to me at the time. I realize that now.” Hwasa stated plainly, but Wheein still looked worried.
“Are you sure you—“ Wheein started, but was cut off when Hwasa grabbed her hand, leaned into her cheek, and planted a soft kiss there.
“Stop worrying, I’m okay. I feel… refreshed. Maybe not entirely better… But somewhere there; in some sort of limbo.” Hwasa confessed, and squeezed Wheein’s hand. “You’ll just have to navigate this limbo with me, Puppy Bitch.”
a/n: *5 Guys is an American burger joint.
a/n: well that was a WILD RIDE. It was my first fic, and I really got lost about 75% way through. At first I was thinking of killing off Hwasa, to make it dramatic and all-- but that's not at all what I feel. I do suffer from a few mental illnesses, I won't go into detail, but I thought that this was a much more real interpretation of what I feel. Although I'm often in a dark place, I see hope in the distance (in this case, in the form of Jung Wheein). No matter how much I'm put down, and bitter, and anxious... There are somethings I cannot let go. I hope it remains that way.
Ahn Hyejin was lost. Being in the acting scene since young, she never knew what the life of a mere mortal felt like. Signed onto big movies due to her cute looks and prodigal talent for her young age, it was natural that the woman was a little screwy in the head; floating from place to place, from man to woman, from role to role, Ahn Hyejin, now called Hwasa, or Brightness, eventually lost herself. But if you asked her, losing herself was probably the best thing that had happened in her short and fucked up life. Hwasa rode interstates till three in the morning with her latest partner and dumped them in the middle of nowhere when she felt done with them-- if they were annoying, she didn’t need to deal with them. She lived from motel to motel, never really in her right mind. With men and women flowing in and out of her life, no doubt drugs and alcohol were involved in more than half of her escapades. Hwasa was always into big money, so getting the substance was never a problem. Living in ecstasy every night, whether it was from the snowy white happy pills, or from fucking another unknown face trying to get up in the Hollywood world, Hwasa lost herself.
Hwasa didn’t have anyone. If she did have her mother, she didn’t remember anymore, for she was probably lost drowning in all of her daughter’s money. Did she even have a father? She couldn’t recall. A sibling? She surely would have remembered a sibling, she thought fleetingly. A lover? Too many to count. She threw away her phone long ago, people only managing to contact the flighty woman by personally seeking her out. Even if someone of significance called her to tell her that they cared, she wouldn’t know. She didn’t want to know.
Hwasa cracked one eye open to see a gray ceiling. She couldn’t recall what had happened the night before, or whom she was with. Finally looking around, though, she found that she was in a jail cell. With a pounding in her head, she walked towards the bars and looked out to make out where the hell she was. California? Texas? Arizona maybe…
She looked bleary eyed towards the counter where a policeman was looking through some files.
“Hey, uh, where is this?” She asked in a scratchy voice.
“Jail.” The officer offered, curtly.
“You know that’s not what I meant you litt-“ she was cut off when the door to another room opened and two figures came in. There was a tall man in police gear, with a much smaller, black-haired girl in a suit trailing behind him.
“This one’s posted bail. Your manager has come to pick you up.” The tall policeman said as he offhandedly pointed in Hwasa’s direction. Manager? This isn’t my manager? Is Byulyi outside? Hwasa thought as the shorter policeman unlocked the jail cell to let the actress out.
“Um, thanks.” Hwasa said and walked out of the police station, looking for signs of her pink convertible or her manager’s Impala. She didn’t realize the small girl was still trailing behind her, waiting for some sort of acknowledgment. Seeing that the girl would not stop trailing and calling out her name, the actress stopped and turned. “Thank you for bailing me out. Are you a fan? Do you want my signature or something?” she asked in an annoyed tone.
“Finally! Nice to meet you! To answer your question, yes, I am a fan, but I’m also a director,” the small woman said confidently, pulling out a business card. “and I want you for my movie, Hwasa.” She smiled a dimpled smile at the taller girl and urged her to take the card. Hwasa took the card suspiciously.
After looking at the card, she looked back at the small woman. “Wheein… Jung? Look, I’m not interested in doing any movies right now.” The actress said stepping back a little.
“When will you be interested, then? Hwasa, I know you haven’t done a movie in almost two years now! You are perfect for this role. Please.” The smaller woman almost begged, holding on to Hwasa’s hand.
“L-let Go! I’m not doing a movie!” the actress growled as she tried to pull away from the other woman.
“Just read the script. Please!” the other girl continued to grip the actresses’ hand.
Hwasa was done. Tired. She had just spent a night locked up, completely passed out in jail, and hadn’t had food for what seemed like forever. Her throat was parched, and she was covered in alcohol and what looked like cum stains. She scowled at the persistent woman.
“Okay! Just give me the damn script!” Hwasa wailed in an annoyed tone. Victoriously, Wheein reached into her satchel and handed a thick wad of paper to the girl.
“I look forward to working with you, Hwasa!” The girl smiled and practically skipped away—leaving a disgusted Hwasa in her wake.
Hwasa simply shook her head and started towards the other side of the street in her six-inch Jimmy Choo’s and her thigh-length Vera Wang miniskirt. At the end of the grungy street, she saw a trash can, and abruptly threw the wad of paper away without a second thought.
//
“Where the fuck were you?” Byulyi accused as she closed in on an unsuspecting Hwasa in a burger joint. “I had to fucking track your debit card to find you! Again! Just get a damn phone!” The uptight manager plopped herself opposite Hwasa in the booth she was sitting at in a random 5 Guys*. It turns out Hwasa was indeed in California, somewhere north of Los Angeles, but short of Bakersfield. Hwasa looked at her Manager with a bored expression and continued to take a bite out of her burger. Byulyi pulled a disgusted face and snatched the burger away from the actress. “Watch your damn figure you damn whore.” Byulyi swore again, taking a bite of the juicy burger.
“What the fuck! Give it back you damn bitch! I paid for that!” Hwasa tried to reach over the table, but Byulyi pushed her back down.
“You didn’t answer my question.” Byulyi shot back.
“I was in jail.” Hwasa scowled, but answered back curtly, settling back into her seat.
“Fucking Hell.” Byulyi brought one greasy hand to her forehead. “What did you do this time? How did you get out?” She looked up wearily.
“I don’t know. Maybe they mistook me for a prostitute or something. Goddamn pigs. Didn’t they know who I was? Some puppy bitch bailed me out. Saying she wanted me on her movie, or some bullshit. But I got my out, that’s all that matters.” She crossed her arms in front of her in a defensive position. “Do you have any other dumb questions?”
“That’s precisely it, Hwasa. They didn’t know who you are. Maybe they knew who you were, but you aren’t the charismatic whore you were back then. You are,” Byulyi pauses, looking at Hwasa’s stained Daddy’s Little Monster crop top. “Whatever this is you’ve turned into. Maybe you should take that role, you’ve refused every single one I’ve given you, anyways. Get back on your feet or something.” She finished, taking a bite into the burger again. Byulyi wasn't wrong... But Hwasa was tired and annoyed, so she shot back aggressively.
“What do you mean was?” Hwasa disregarded her manager’s sentiment about the movie. “My last movie was two years ago; It wasn’t that long ago. It was a blockbuster, too.”
“Yeah, but two years is like, an infinity in the public’s eyes. Just watch, when this jail scandal comes in the papers—again—it’s not going to be pretty, and you will fall more out of the limelight than you already have.” Byulyi finally looked at the bronze actress seriously, and said actress was fuming.
“Then do your damn job and keep it out of the papers! How should I care! I’m living my life, Byul! The only one affected by this is you, in the end. You don’t get your pay when I’m not acting.” Hwasa smirked.
“That may be true, but what are you going to do when your money runs out? It will, whether it be by you spending it, your AWOL mother spending it, or someone stealing it from you when you’re fucking high.” The manager said bitterly. “You don’t even have any friends! All your actress friends—they won’t be there when you are a dead beat on the side of a road, Hwasa. Stop pushing me away!” The taller girl suddenly growled angrily, growing more and more frustrated at the red head.
“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want you fucking mole rat!” Slap. Hwasa pulled a shaky hand to her now bruised cheek. “What the fuck!”
“You deserved that, and more. You are contacting that puppy bitch and being in her movie, and that’s final.” Byulyi pulled the younger woman out of the dreary burger joint and into her Impala.
“What about my car!” Hwasa bit out, referring to her convertible still parked in the parking lot.
“Your car be damned! Just buy another one you fucking brat!” Byulyi shouted as she reversed from the parking lot.
“I should fire you for speaking to me like that.” the actress retorted.
“I should have left you in jail, so shut the fuck up.” Byulyi drove off in silence, with the fuming red head in her passenger seat.
//
Later at night in a Hyatt, Hwasa wore a silk bathrobe and looked towards Byulyi, standing out on the porch of the hotel room, still wearing a suit at twelve at night. Byulyi was nursing a beer and looking out towards the city of Los Angeles, which was still bustling at this time of night. The lights gave off a certain aura, one that motivated you to move with the pace of the city and reach your dreams. But the conniving city never really guaranteed where following those dreams would take you. Hwasa, holding a glass of Jack-Daniel’s, approached the figure sitting out on the porch.
“What are you thinking about, Byul?” The red head said off-handedly as she draped her hands over the railing next to the honey-blonde.
“You, mostly…” the suited woman looked out into the night. “What are you doing, Hwasa? I can’t figure you out. You are so beautiful, so charismatic. You leave dead bodies in your wake by just walking down the street.” The manager chuckled drunkenly. “When I saw your first movie, I knew it. I knew that I had to be your manager. Your every expression, every flick of the hand carries more grace and emotions than I have in my entire body! But, you just, throw it away. Spend it on drugs and seducing men.” Byulyi said bitterly.
At this, Hwasa looked out towards the unforgiving city.
“What’s the point of all this, Byulyi? I act, get money, and do what with it? I just laze around, suck a dick, and drink till I knock myself out. It’s an endless loop; I don’t see a way out, I never have. That’s why, I think, I’ve just let it all go. I don’t see a point to it anymore.” She whispered, and took a sip out of her crystalline glass.
“You bring this art into the world and don’t see its potential or its affects, that’s what is wrong, Hwasa. That’s the point of all this: you, leaving your mark on the world before you die. I want to help you leave that mark. You are a firestorm, shining brightly, like your name. You need to see that, though, in order for me to help you.” Byulyi said earnestly into the night.
“But what if… I don’t want to be helped? What if I want to let it all go?” Hwasa looked for an honest answer from the woman beside her, and Byulyi looked at her tiredly.
“Then you’re a waste, Hwasa. You’re a wasted talent. A sad, black hole of what if’s.” the blonde replied. Hwasa nodded slowly-- that wasn't what she wanted to hear. She stepped back into the room, dumping the remains of her drink into the sink. She then lowered herself into the king-sized bed, mind completely blank.
//
The next morning, Hwasa woke up and looked to her side, seeing a sleepy Byulyi looking down at her affectionately. Hwasa smiled lightly and got up, her robe sliding off the side of her shoulder. Byulyi eyed the actress's bare shoulder cautiously, lustily, but made no move to continue. Byulyi got out of the bed, and stalked towards the kitchen.
"I made you breakfast. I also went through your purse and found the card belonging to your puppy bitch, and I called her back. She said you had the script, where is it?" She said as she poured coffee into two clay mugs.
"It was in my convertible, which you left, by the way." the red head lied to rile the older woman up.
Byulyi just chuckled and continued. "You threw it away, didn't you? Whatever, I had her email it over to me anyways. I've got to hand it to them though, for such a low budget film, it has a lot of potential." Byulyi brought the coffee mugs to the sleepy red head. After the younger girl accepted the coffee, Byulyi walked over to the side table and brought her laptop over to Hwasa. "Look through it today, you can mark it up on there since you threw away the only hard copy we have. I will get you a hard copy later when I stop by the office."
Hwasa took the laptop from the blonde and started to read through her lines, all already highlighted for her convenience. The red head looked up at her manager wearily for a moment. She thought the words through her head before she said it, but she could only come to the same conclusion.
"Say, Byul... Do you want to sleep with me?"
It was an understatement to say the older girl was surprised; Byulyi spit out her coffee and started to cough.
"No! What the fuck!" The manager took a minute to recover from the surprise. "I-I... would never take advantage of you like that." She looked down and comprised herself, and her stature softened. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like that over the past few days. Just... I worry about you...” She looked at the red head awkwardly. “You know what-- I'll just-- head out to the office now. Call me if you need anything from the hotel phone." with that, the older girl left the suite filled with awkward tension.
Hwasa slowly turned back to the laptop, and read over her lines. She mouthed them and let them roll around her tongue. It really was beautifully written, she thought. The story was about an actress who was so narcissistic and wrapped in her own world that she became abusive to the people around her. This kind of movie would never make it in the real world. In a few film festivals, maybe, but...
Since she had no way out of doing the film, she continued to mark up the electronic script with how she would deliver her lines.
On the first day of filming, Hwasa and her manager were called to a set on the very edge of LA. When Byulyi went to pick up Hwasa from the hotel, the woman was passed out, pale, and shaking on the bed. There were cocaine lines on the side table of the bed, and Byulyi cursed out loud. She pulled the stoned actress out of bed and dressed her up, and then dragged her to the film set. The set was a grungy apartment, where the trashy actress that Hwasa would play lived. The apartment oddly reflected the actress's current state, the manager thought tiredly.
When they entered the apartment, Wheein greeted them. "Hello! Nice to meet you, Ms. Moon, I'm assuming." She shook the blonde's hand and turned to Hwasa, and took in her appearance slowly. "Nice to see you again, Ms. Hwasa..." she held out her hand for the red head to shake, but the actress ignored it. Byulyi chuckled awkwardly and decided to carry on the conversation on her stoned client's behalf.
"You can just call me Byulyi, so today we are starting with a scene where the character is still normal, am I correct?" She inquired.
"Yes!" Wheein exclaimed happily as she led the two around the set. "The actress is not a new actress, but this would be her first big movie. Her public debut launch, I suppose you could call it. She is full of excitement and hope for the future. I'm sure you read your lines?" Wheein turned toward Hwasa expectantly.
Hwasa mumbled an almost incoherent "sure" and Wheein looked towards Byulyi again, worriedly.
"Why... don't we just get in position... then." The small raven-haired girl said wearily. "We've been ready since morning."
Hwasa nodded and took a moment to glance at the script again. She then was directed where to stand. They then started a practice take, and it was disastrous, to say the least; about half of the words the red head spat out diverged from the script, and the movements were out of coordination and half-par.
"Cut!" another woman that Byulyi and Hwasa had not been acquainted with spoke up. "What the fuck is this, Wheein? This bitch is high as the clouds!" The long haired girl scolded the director angrily.
Hwasa eyed the new lady viciously. "Am not, you prick! You aren't even the director! What gives you the right to cut me off?"
"I'm the screenwriter you skank. This whole production is as much my baby as it is Wheein's, and I am not doing to let some newbie ruin the whole thing for us. You are the main! You should act like it!" The longhaired girl turned to Wheein again. "Where did you pick up this skank? You said you knew someone who was perfect for the job, I trusted you, Wheein."
Wheein's cheeks bloomed red and she bit her lip in obvious embarrassment at Hwasa's appearance. Byulyi scoffed.
"Who are you to call my client a skank? Hwasa is way too good for this movie! She's worked with top notch actors, she doesn't need this!" The manager defended angrily. At the mention of the name Hwasa, the screenwriter's eyes seemed to light up with recognition.
"You... are The Hwasa? I've seen your stuff, and it's great and all, but looking down on our movie and coming here to fuck it up would piss anyone off." The screenwriter turned to Byulyi. "You are way out of line here, you guys are the ones who showed up high off the railing to a shoot." She said, gripping her screenplay to her chest. "Get out. Both of you."
Byulyi stormed towards her client and dragged her high-ass out of the grungy apartment. When they reached the Impala, Byulyi shoved Hwasa into the passenger seat and she sat down angrily in the driver's seat. She lashed out, aggressively pounding on the steering wheel and honking the horn in the desolate parking lot all while screaming Fuck! Fuck Fuck Fuck! over and over again.
Byulyi later pulled up at the Hyatt and dragged Hwasa to her room. She dumped the red head on the bed and went straight to the minibar. She poured herself a shot and took it all down at once, staring straight at the clammy actress still shaking on the bed in drugged ecstasy.
“How could you do this to me! To us! I’m tired of this, Hwasa! I’m so tired!” She screamed at the unresponsive girl. Byulyi had half a mind to take the actress to a hospital, but she didn’t. She didn’t. “All that shit! It’s not going to save you at your lowest! I’m here for you always, why don’t you see that? Ever? You just go around and whore yourself out to men and women on the street, I’m here for you, you damn bitch!” The blonde started to tear up, and she took another shot. “You inconsiderate, fucking, bitch… Why am I not enough?”
After the burning, hard liquor snaked down her throat, she slid down to the floor and sobbed into her knees.
//
When Hwasa woke up, she had no idea what day it was. In fear of disappointment, the actress had snorted some cocaine the day before the shoot, but she didn’t realize how far gone she was. She looked at the hotel phone and saw the date; it was almost two days after the shooting was supposed to take place. Fuck, Byulyi is going to kill me. She got up from the bed with a huge headache, seeing a painkiller and water on the nightstand she thanked the gods and took a pill to lessen her headache. Her manager wasn’t at the kitchenette, but there was coffee brewing so she couldn’t be far.
As she walked towards the piping hot coffee (god knew she needed it) a figure came stumbling out of the bathroom. Hwasa turned to see not her manager, but the puppy bitch standing there, in her hallway, in all her small glory.
“You’re up!” she squealed and ran to the actress, pressing her hand to Hwasa’s forehead. “Fever’s all gone?” She smiled. “Good. I made coffee, you want some?” She started towards the coffee pot.
“Wheein, What are you doing here? How did you get in here? Where is my manager?” Hwasa demanded.
“O-oh, well. Byulyi gave me the keys… I was on my way here when she was leaving, and she told me to take care of you.” What? Byulyi would never… Hwasa stared at her in confusion.
“What do you mean left? Where is she?” Hwasa growled again at the innocent woman.
“I don’t know where she is, Hwasa. She left you a note on the fridge.” Wheein said finally, in a serious tone.
Hwasa grabbed the note off the mini fridge and read it over and over again:
Dearest Hwasa,
I get it now, what you said. You have no desire to neither help yourself nor continue your career as an actress. I suppose I was so caught up in what you once were that I was blind to what you had turned into. I pushed you over the edge, this time, almost killing you in the process. I realize my mistake; my job is done here. Once you have recovered… or died… or whatever comes first… I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me for leaving you. I hope one day you find the purpose to all that you have done.
With utmost love,
Byulyi Moon
As the last constant in Hwasa’s life shattered piece by piece, Wheein placed breakfast on the table.
Hwasa spent her days as she usually did, lazing around and going out at night. She was the life of the party wherever she went; people were mesmerized by every aspect of her charismatic being. The only things that had changed in her daily routine were two things: one was that she had not touched any sort of drug in at least a month since her manager left, and the second was the constant presence of a certain puppy bitch. Wheein Jung now clung onto the actress like Hwasa was another part of the small girl’s being. She moved into Hwasa’s hotel room, despite Hwasa’s many protests. She took care of throwing out every ounce of weed and cocaine stored in the hotel and in the actress’s car, and she even started being her temporary house maid, if you could call it that. Apparently, her reason was: Hwasa, you have nobody. Let me help you. As your fan, let me help you.
Wheein even started attending parties with Hwasa as her plus one, no matter how much Hwasa had protested it, the older girl had been adamant on making sure that the actress wasn’t shooting herself up with horse tranquilizers while she wasn’t present. So in that way, Wheein had slowly wiggled her way into Hwasa’s life. That did not mean that Hwasa was beginning to like the woman though, especially since Wheein had a knack for trying too hard to get into Hwasa’s space and make things difficult for her.
Although Hwasa thought that Wheein was especially nosy… Wheein hadn’t asked once about Hwasa’s drug habits, nor had she asked about Byulyi. She hadn’t pried into the red head’s personal life, always staying at the surface, trying to keep the actress afloat. When Hwasa was half drunk, maybe she thanked god for Wheein’s presence.
One day, as Wheein was working on her laptop on the bed, Hwasa sat down next to her with two glasses in hand in one hand, and her favorite Jack-Daniel’s held close to her chest.
“I’m bored.” Hwasa said as she poured liquor into one of the cups. “Drink with me.”
“Hwasa, that’s going to spill—“
“Don’t worry I’ve done this hundreds of times before.” She said, lifting her head up for a moment, and the liquor spilled all over the bed. “Fuck!” Hwasa climbed out of the bed at lightening speed, and Wheein just started laughing, but as the liquor started to spread, Wheein got off the bed as well with her laptop.
“I told you! I so told yo—“ Wheein started, only to be cut off again by the red head.
“Shut up.” Hwasa said, a slight blush blooming on her cheeks. Wheein smiled at the girl.
“Why don’t we take this to my room then?” Wheein picked up the drinks and padded off to the guest room of the suite, and Hwasa followed suit, still a bit hesitant.
Wheein laid the glasses next to each other on the nightstand and poured for the both of them. She then handed one glass to Hwasa, and they said their cheers. Wheein sat down on the edge of the bed, and Hwasa sat on a single sofa opposite her.
“So? What brought upon this sudden girl’s night in?” Wheein asked teasingly.
“Just bored.” Hwasa replied.
“You’re never bored at eleven pm.” Wheein raised one eyebrow. “No parties tonight?”
“None.” Wheein just hummed in reply and took a sip of the whiskey.
“So, have you been thinking about the movie offer? It’s still there.” Wheein asked, casually eyeing the actress.
“The movie has been put on hold? Still? Why don’t you just find someone else?”
“But when I see that movie happening, I only see you playing it. I can’t film it without anyone else, I told my screenwriter, and after much pleading she gave me the okay to put the project on hold for a while.”
Hwasa stared at the girl wide eyed for a moment. “Why are you so stuck up on me?” she asked.
“A couple of years back, I saw you in the movie Chaconne. Your portrayal of a girl gone mad is pure art. Every movement, every scream, every look, all portrayed true loss and sadness. Not only that, but your descent into madness—oh man. I could see you falling slowly, you didn’t need any dialogue, and it wasn’t even the camera team that made your emotions pour out. It was just you.” Wheein ranted, and the corner of Hwasa’s lips curled up into a small smile.
“By the way… that first day that we met, how did you find me? In the police station?” Hwasa asked, taking another sip of the drink.
“I’ve been trailing you for a while… I guess you don’t really remember, but I was with you that night at the club in Scottsville.” Wheein looked up wearily to see Hwasa’s shocked expression.
“What do you mean you were there?” Hwasa asked with caution.
“That night… you must have been high out of your wits. I saw you at the club in Scottsville, and you were drinking with some men. I did approach you… and we even danced together.” Wheein said sheepishly, and Hwasa looked at Wheein as if she had grown another head.
“Did we sleep together?” Hwasa asked straight up.
“No!” Wheein shouted immediately, coughing on the drink, but Hwasa made no move to comfort the older girl. “W-we didn’t sleep together, I lost you by the end of the night.” Wheein blushed, and Hwasa continued to look at the girl with an air of incredulity. “I looked for you in a few hotels in the morning, and I found out that one of them had a drug bust early in the morning, so I checked at the police station. I saw you and I bailed you out.” Wheein finished.
Hwasa looked down into her lap. “So you’ve really seen me at my lowest, huh?” Hwasa said hesitantly, and Wheein’s demeanor softened.
“That’s okay. What are fans for? Of course to help their idols through whatever hardships they come across.”
“I don’t deserve to be your idol, though. I’ve done nothing good in my life to warrant your kindness.” Hwasa said honestly, looking into Wheein’s eyes. Wheein just smiled back.
“It’s okay.”
That night, they stayed up till four in the morning, talking about anything and everything, and Hwasa thanked god for Wheein’s presence once again.
//
“You threw away the last bottle of my Jack-Daniels? That shit is my life source! You took away my drugs, my freedom, now this! Hwasa screamed, frustrated at Wheein.
“You drink this shit non-stop, give your liver a break.” Wheein said from the bed with no emotion as she continued to type on her laptop.
“No! You! Get out! Hasn’t it been long enough? You’ve been here for two months already! I’ve had enough! You aren’t even paying the bills for this damn hotel room!” Hwasa tried again.
Wheein smirked and finally looked up from her laptop. “No.” she simply said.
“What do you mean no? This is my house! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Hwasa continued to shout, and then Wheein finally looked up at the girl in realization.
“Hwasa, you are going through withdrawals. Come here, let’s calm down.” Wheein put her laptop down and approached Hwasa like the actress was a frightened animal.
“I don’t need to calm down! You need to fuck the hell out of my life! What gives you the right to take away everything that makes me happy? You took Byulyi, my drugs, my home, now my whiskey!” Hwasa’s voice started to become scratchy as hot tears of frustration made their way down her cheeks.
Although Wheein tried not to let Hwasa’s jabs get to her, she couldn’t deny that she felt a pang in her chest, feeling as if maybe she wasn’t doing the right thing if Hwasa was still this upset over Byulyi.
“Hwasa, please, come on, you know I’m trying to help. Dig into your consciousness and think about all the times we had fun at parties, and laughed, without drugs! Without alcohol! Without… Byulyi…” Wheein tried again.
“You are the reason all these bad things are happening to me! Get out of my house! Now!” Hwasa was hysterically bawling and shaking Wheein’s shoulder’s aggressively. Wheein needed to give Hwasa space.
“Okay, okay, I’m going inside now. Just calm down.” Wheein picked her laptop up and started to go into the guest room.
“I don’t need to calm down! You need to get out!” Hwasa screamed again, and Wheein snapped.
“If I hadn’t been here you’d be dead right now without Byulyi!” Wheein screamed at the actress, frustrated as well. “Stop acting like a baby and get yourself together! IT’s been years now Hwasa!” As soon as Wheein was done with her rant, she cupped her hands over her mouth and stared wide-eyed at Hwasa for a moment, inwardly chiding herself from bringing the actress’s weakness up. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to--“
“Fuck off!” Hwasa took a coat from the rack and stormed out of the apartment. Wheein cursed and got out of the bed and slipped into her trainers. She started down the hall to where Hwasa was in the elevator, and she wasn’t able to make it before the doors closed and Hwasa was on her merry way down to the lobby, or any floor, really. She cursed again, and headed for the emergency stairs. She ran down ten flights of stairs, completely confident that she would have lost the girl by the time she got down to the lobby. When she entered the lobby, she asked the receptionist if she had seen a red head girl walk out of the hotel, and as soon as the receptionist nodded, she ran out of the sliding doors.
Wheein shouted Hwasa’s name as she ran down the street looking for the bronze girl, coming up empty at every turn. She started to feel warm tears fall down her cheeks, and she ran her hand through her hair, still panting from running. As she came down another corner, she saw a person shouting. She turned down the alley and saw a car stopped in the middle of the road, and a man kneeling on the floor over a body shouting for someone to help him. Wheein choked up for a moment, and stood there. She couldn’t move, this man was shouting at her to call an ambulance, but she could only stand there, Hwasa. That girl’s Hwasa. Her legs gave up under her and she fell to the ground.
As she sobbed into her knees, someone tapped her on the back, and she turned around, coming face to face with the girl she was looking for. Wheein stared up in shock at the girl. “the… the accident…” she sniffled.
“I don’t know who got hit, but I ran to the payphone to call 911. Why are you crying?” Hwasa asked the girl in confusion. Wheein got up quickly hugged the actress.
“Don’t—don’t do that. Please. You’re having withdrawals and I don’t want... I thought that girl was you! I thought she was you!” Wheein hugged the girl tightly and sobbed into her shirt. Hwasa looked down at the sobbing girl and wondered how they had come this far from the time at the police station. Hwasa knew that what she was having weren’t withdrawals… She didn’t know when exactly it had started but she was attached to this girl. This small puppy bitch had squeezed into Hwasa’s fleeting life.
They were complete opposites, how was it that this small girl had come to care for Hwasa? Was she just in love with the image that the actress had just put on for the public? Hwasa doubted the girl really liked what she was now, and Wheein was probably still chasing the person Hwasa once was. The redhead felt cold flood in her chest thinking that the last person in her life will leave her one day, when she realizes too like Byulyi, that there is no going back to the person she once was.
Hwasa awkwardly patted the older girl’s back, and Wheein finally let go. “Let’s go home.” Hwasa just nodded silently.
//
As Hwasa was getting ready for another party at her actress friend, Hyuna’s, house, Wheein came up behind her wearing a black crop top and black-leather short-shorts, showing off her pale stomach. Hwasa stared a bit before remarking.
“Where are you going in that outfit, little one?” She said in a bored tone as she continued to rim her eyes with eyeliner.
“To your party. Do you really enjoy getting out of the house this much? Don’t you ever want to just… I don’t know… chill out at home?” Wheein asked, staring at herself in the bathroom mirror and adjusted her top.
“No. All I do is chill out at home. I need to get out of the house at sometime, don’t I?” the actress replied.
“Well there are other things to do… we could go for a walk?” Wheein offered innocently, but Hwasa just snorted.
“A walk?”
“Yeah. A walk.” Wheein pouted and looked at the younger girl, who was still chuckling.
“You say the oddest things.” Hwasa commented as she shook her head with a genuine smile.
When they reached the party, Wheein was overwhelmed. There were famous stars everywhere—Wheein had almost forgot that Hwasa was this famous, seeing the girl in her bare element at home. Hwasa was glittering; she was literal brightness as her name suggested. She flitted from man to woman, greeting them with her drink, and Wheein just tagged along behind her like a lost duckling. Finally, after about half an hour of socializing, Hwasa turned to Wheein as she was talking to a tall man.
“Wheein, this is David Lynch, I trust you’ve heard of him?” Wheein looked up at the man for the first time—and holy fuck, it was the famous director.
“H-hello sir. I’m Wheein Jung. An aspiring director.” The man nodded and took interest in the small girl’s chatter about directing. Hwasa left them for the night, but she made sure to keep a close watch on any wondering hands or eyes.
At the end of the night, Wheein was once again pulling a drunk Hwasa back to the hotel. “You liked that old man?” Hwasa hiccupped. “Don’t say I never did anything for you, Wheeinie.” Wheein looked at the younger girl incredulously.
“You do a lot for me Hwasa. Don’t doubt that.” Hwasa just laughed drunkenly in response.
I don’t do anything for you. Why are you still here? What are you looking for, Wheein?
//
“Holy fuck.” Wheein cursed after she put down the phone, and Hwasa looked up at her from where she was eating her third bowl of Lucky Charms*.
“What’s wrong?”
“David Lynch’s secretary just called me. He wants to hire me as an assistant director. He said something about ‘what I said at the party really hitting him’.” Wheein continued to look at her phone with shock, and Hwasa quirked a small smile.
“That’s good isn’t it?”
“Yes!” Wheein looked as if the news had finally hit her and she jumped up and down happily, screeching OMG. OMG. OMG.
Yes, the news was good for Wheein. Wheein started to stay out the whole day, working at different sets and meetings, not coming home till late at night. It was routine for the two to eat meals together and go out together at night, but Wheein always chirped a quick Sorry. Busy tonight. When Hwasa would call the girl to ask if she was coming home. Sometimes days were spent at the office, or Wheein was called for impromptu business trips around the country for shoots. Hwasa knew the drill, for she had done the same many times before, but somehow she felt empty without the other. She used to be fine staying long periods of time without Byulyi, but now she found herself clinging to her Jack-Daniels more at night that she had before. So maybe, it wasn’t such good news for Hwasa.
The television droned on as Hwasa sat on the bed in the main space of the suite. This is actually good, the redhead thought as one character punched another character on the screen. Maybe if she slowly leaves my life, it’ll hurt less when I disappoint her.
Wheein came back at two in the morning one night to a drunk Hwasa.
“Oh, the puppy bitch is finally home!” the drunken girl said swirling a glass whiskey in her hand.
“Puppy Bitch?” Wheein looked at Hwasa incredulously, and Hwasa laughed at her drunkenly.
“You’ve been gone recently.” Hwasa commented casually and Wheein side-eyed her.
“Yeah, it’s been busy.” Wheein said tiredly. Hwasa got up from where she was sitting on the floor against the bed and pushed Wheein against the wall. “What are you—“ Hwasa’s lips aggressively slotting against her own cut off Wheein. Hwasa put her hands on either side of Wheein's head and twisted her head to gain better access of Wheein's lips. Wheein gave in to the touch, and Hwasa pulled the older girl towards the bed.
When Wheein woke up the next morning, she was afraid of what would greet her. She had essentially taken advantage of the younger girl's intoxication and had sex with her. Wheein peeked one eye open to see the redhead sitting up on the bed with her back to the head rest.
"Wheein. I want to do your movie." Hwasa stated plainly, as though she was commenting on the whether.
"M-my movie? The one about the actress? You want to do it? Why so suddenly?" Wheein started to sit up as well slowly. Hwasa just shrugged in response. "A-are we going to talk about last night?"
"What's there to talk about? We slept together. That's it."
"Oh. Okay." Wheein stated awkwardly. "Well, we'll have to wait a few more weeks till this movie ends... then we can get started I suppose." Wheein looked at Hwasa's expression, but saw nothing indicating what the younger girl was feeling.
"That's fine" Hwasa replied and got up, exposing her in all her naked glory.
In the weeks following Wheein and Hwasa's sexual escapade, Hwasa became more distant, Wheein thought. Although they were interacting around the same amount before, there was definitely something off about the way Hwasa was acting around Wheein. The older girl tried to alleviate the awkwardness, but to no avail. She just hoped that by the time the movie filming started they would be on good enough terms to work together.
When Lynch's new movie was released, it was a major success, and Wheein started to gain recogniition amongst indie directors across America. This put even more pressure for her upcoming movie, Paint My Sun Black, to succeed in the box office. On the first day of filming, Wheein and Hwasa carpooled to the set, and when the raven haired girl pulled up at the ratty apartment/set, she looked towards the redhead.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Wheein asked Hwasa wearily. Hwasa just nodded and stepped out of the car. Wheein sighed in response hur got out and led the younger girl to get ready for the parts.
When Wheein exited the small bathroom where Hwasa was getting ready, she weaved through the camera equipment and camera crew to get to her chair.
"So how'd you get her to agree, finally?" A taller girl came and sat next to Wheein. Wheein looked towards the older screenwriter and sighed.
"She just said one day that she'd do it. Even I'm not sure why... I'm worried, Solar." The screenwriter, Solar, looked at the younger girl with pity.
"If it doesn't work out, we find another actress. It may not be as good as if we had Hwasa, but..." She gave Wheein a halfhearted smile. "We'll just have to work with what we can. Yeah? Be optimistic."
"That's rich coming from you." Wheein sniggered, and Solar hit her on the back of the head with her script. At that moment, Hwasa walked out of the bathroom.
"Let's get this disaster started."
//
Hwasa lifted herself from the bed and sat against the headrest. She looked down at her lover, and then turned to the bedside table to take a cigarette from the top drawer. She lit it, and let the smoke disappear in the air as she watched the man breath in and out slowly next to her. Suddenly, the sheets stirred.
“When did you pick up smoking?” the Caucasian man looked over to his girlfriend and then down to the cigarette slipped in between her two fingers.
“Too long ago.” She replied back carelessly.
“I never noticed.” The boyfriend commented sadly, but Hwasa just hummed in reply.
Their relationship had come to a standstill. Between the two of them working, the fights, the crying, and the jealousy, only a scrap was left of their previously flourishing relationship.
“Arthur. I’m sorry that I… I can’t love you the way you need it. I can’t be there the way you are for me. You don’t need me.” The redhead’s eyes clouded up with emotion, and she put out the cigarette. “I’m not good for you.” She said, brokenly, finally turning to her lover. She traced the area on his chest where she had hit him with a wine bottle a night or so ago. It had turned purple and splotchy, and now it was fading out to green. The man hissed at her touch, and the redhead pulled her hand away from the bruise.
Tears started to pour down the actress’s face, and a softer than usual, cut! Was shouted on the set.
“Hwasa, your character is not supposed to cry.” Solar called from her seat next to the director. They were about three weeks into filming Paint My Sun Black, and were about three-fourths done with the raw filming.
Wheein shouted for the crew to take five, and she walked up to the redhead who was still lying on the bed with the remains of her tears streaming down her face.
“What’s wrong?” The black haired girl asked softly. The younger girl finally looked up to the director, her eyes sparkling with tears; looking almost childlike.
“I—I can do this! I can let’s get back—“ the actress started to fidget frantically.
“No, you are crying, what’s wrong?” Wheein took Hwasa’s flailing arms into her palms. “Tell me.”
“I’m not good, Wheein! I’m not good enough for you! For Byulyi! For my mother!” The younger girl started to hyperventilate, and Wheein finally realized that she was having a panic attack.
Wheein hugged Hwasa and screamed for someone to bring the disoriented actress water. Breath, Breath! You’ll be okay!
Later that night, Hwasa stood on the balcony of their room and looked down, her feet lifting off of the ground every so often, and her body almost launching off the railing. Wheein looked at Hwasa out of the corner of her eyes, trying to be as cautious of the girl’s state as possible.
“Has… that ever happened before?” Wheein asked wearily as Hwasa’s feet launched off the ground again. They had been avoiding the topic all day, but Wheein thought it needed to be addressed.
“No.” The younger girl confessed, and Wheein’s brow furrowed. The older girl looked out into the sky rise and asked tentatively.
“What… exactly happened?”
“I just got too invested in my character, I think.” Hwasa commented, again lifting her feet off the ground.
“But… your character… Her remorse didn’t go that deep; not enough to cry, Hwasa.” Wheein finally lifted her hand to keep Hwasa on the ground. When Hwasa’s feet touched the ground, her bottom lip wobbled.
“My whole life, I’ve disappointed everyone. No matter what I do, intentional or not, I always end up seeing that look of mixed disgust and pity. I’ve memorized it; I see it everywhere. I’m a waste, a wasted talent. A sad, black hole of what if’s.” The actress chuckled bitterly. “And the sad part is, I will never be more than that. I just keep letting those around me down. I’m trash… Looking at that girl in your movie… She was a wreck, too. She was so wrapped up in pleasing others she fucked herself up. She was destroyed. Is that what I’ve become? I’m like her, I can’t love the people around me like they deserve! You, Byulyi… No one! I was so far gone Byulyi thought I’d be better off dead, Wheein. She left me to die. My mother abandoned me, too, because I was too burdensome. She makes me send her cash to repent every month. I’m such a bad person that these people think it’s better that they get rid of me. What more is there to say? ” The actress choked on a sob and brought her palm to her mouth, trying to muffle the sounds.
Wheein patted the actress’s back. “That was where Byulyi was at fault… and so was your mother. They had no right to push their expectations of you on to you. They were not good for you, not the other way around. Not only that, but If you were like that girl, you wouldn’t have cried in remorse, Hwasa.” She looked at the younger girl affectionately. “That character… She had no remorse for her actions. She lost herself, and hurt others around her without a care in the world. But you… You have remorse. You have the emotions that she lacks. That makes you better than her. Even if you fucked up your relationship with Byulyi, or even your mother, there is always a way to make it up. Carry on; be a better person… no?” The black haired girl smiled.
“It’s not that easy… I don’t have the courage nor the willpower to change myself; doesn’t that make me even worse than the character I’m playing?”
“No, your character chose not to pick herself up from the ground. You don’t have a choice. Hwasa, I’m no doctor, but I think you are depressed.” Wheein said seriously. “I know I can never fully cure you, but maybe you should consider talking to Byulyi about it. Explain to her what happened… You told me about what had happened, it will be the same. If Byulyi carries even half the affection I have for you—which I promise you she surely does—she will hear you out and you will be able to have some closure, maybe you’ll be little closer to recovering yourself.” Wheein proposed. Hwasa shrugged, and Wheein just stared off into the night next to the girl.
//
When the movie finally debuted, it wasn’t hot, nor did it get a lot of praise from the media. Really the only ones who attended were Hwasa’s following, who were not disappointed; calling it the underdog of the century, and an underappreciated gem. It got praise from Seventeen Magazine for Hwasa’s acting, and maybe David Lynch had posted a picture on Instagram congratulating Wheein on the movie. It may have gotten a small column in The New York Times about Abuse on Men by Women, but even then the title of the movie was printed as “Paint The Sun Black” rather than its originally intended title.
Wheein and Hwasa sat at an outdoor café in Los Angeles, reading this same New York Times paper. Wheein complained about how she had chosen that title specifically and how all New Yorkers were uneducated rats, while Hwasa chuckled in amusement. As Hwasa sipped on her coffee, a figure approached her and tapped her on the back. Hwasa turned, expecting a fan, only to see Byulyi, in all her blonde glory.
“Hey, Hwasa.” Byulyi greeted shyly. Hwasa looked up at the girl in awe, then to Wheein.
“U-um, hi, Byulyi. W-what are you doing here?” Hwasa asked nervously as she fidgeted with the utensils on the table.
“I just saw you… Is this a bad time?” The blonde asked nervously.
“No! No it’s not, please sit down, I’ll just go get something to drink.” Wheein got up and left to give the two some privacy. Byulyi sat awkwardly in the chair across from Hwasa.
“I see you’re alive and well.” Byulyi started. “I saw your movie, it was really beautifully done. An underappreciated gem, I’d say. Maybe even one of your best. Artistically speaking.” Byulyi smiled softly. Hwasa hummed in reply.
“I-I see that you are doing well too. You look good.” Better than when you were working with me. Was on the tip of her tongue.
“Yeah… I have a girlfriend now, she’s sitting over there.” She pointed to a beautiful girl who was reading at another table. “Her name is Irene… I’ve retired for a while. Chilled out.” Byulyi laid back in the chair and put her crossed her arms behind her head.
“Yeah—um—listen, Byulyi. I wanted to… apologize. Finally. For what I did that day. I failed you, miserably. I was just so nervous that I did what I only knew how to do, I escaped using drugs. I’ve realized now, after going to several doctors,” Hwasa chuckled awkwardly, “that I have some level of anxiety that made me do all of this. I hurt you, I hurt everyone around me and I’m so, so sorry. I know mental illness isn’t an excuse for everything, but I’m trying to make it up—I’m really—“ The girl continued to ramble, and Byulyi cleared her throat loudly, causing Hwasa to finally look in the elder girl’s eyes.
“It’s okay, Hwasa. I realize, too, that what I did was so fucking damaging to you. I… told you that you were worthless; I left you to die, all on my selfish accord because I was too blind in my feelings towards you to see what was happening to you. You aren’t broken, and seeing that you have some sort of illness doesn’t come as a surprise to me, I saw all of the signs but refused to believe it. The only person who should be sorry between the two of us is I, for damaging you this much.” Byulyi reached out to take Hwasa’s hands. “I’m sorry.” Tears started to cloud the blonde’s vision, and a few broke loose and rolled down her cheeks.
Hwasa looked at the girl in complete awe, this whole time, she had thought that this was all her fault, and to some degree, she still believed that. But seeing this proof, not just Wheein telling her that she wasn’t at fault, seemed to relieve a burden off of the girl’s shoulders. It felt as if she had been holding her breath for those several months and had just taken a taste of that cool, crisp air for the first time. Hwasa smiled sheepishly at the girl in front of her.
“Thank you. I don’t know… If we could every be friends again… But I love you, Byulyi. You’re all I had, and I will never stop loving you for being there for me.” Hwasa confessed.
“Me too, Hwasa.”
“What did you guys talk about?” Wheein asked curiously as they drove back to the Hyatt. Wheein was quite nervous since Hwasa was making so much progress, if this meeting had happened too soon and the redhead was back at square one, Wheein was seriously going to have a meltdown.
“She apologized to me.” Hwasa said as she looked out the window of the passenger seat. “She said she was sorry that she left me to die and that this was all her fault. She was toxic to me at the time. I realize that now.” Hwasa stated plainly, but Wheein still looked worried.
“Are you sure you—“ Wheein started, but was cut off when Hwasa grabbed her hand, leaned into her cheek, and planted a soft kiss there.
“Stop worrying, I’m okay. I feel… refreshed. Maybe not entirely better… But somewhere there; in some sort of limbo.” Hwasa confessed, and squeezed Wheein’s hand. “You’ll just have to navigate this limbo with me, Puppy Bitch.”
a/n: *5 Guys is an American burger joint.
a/n: well that was a WILD RIDE. It was my first fic, and I really got lost about 75% way through. At first I was thinking of killing off Hwasa, to make it dramatic and all-- but that's not at all what I feel. I do suffer from a few mental illnesses, I won't go into detail, but I thought that this was a much more real interpretation of what I feel. Although I'm often in a dark place, I see hope in the distance (in this case, in the form of Jung Wheein). No matter how much I'm put down, and bitter, and anxious... There are somethings I cannot let go. I hope it remains that way.
